time

Time: we measure it, segment it, obsess and complain about it, fill it up and waste it; it goes too fast or too slow, there’s never enough of it and rarely too much of it; you can’t control it, stop it, or speed it up; time is bigger than us and way beyond us.

For the first time in a very long time I find myself with ‘time on my hands’. The overwhelming days of three children in three and a half years are a long distant memory, the relative calm and joy of family life and primary school days are long gone too, the fun and challenge of a houseful of teenagers is past and a return to study and part time work occurred more than a decade ago. And now? Now I find myself in a very privileged position, one 15 year old still at home, a day or so of work a week managing the books and admin for Colin’s consulting practice and time. Time to walk along the beach in the mornings, learn to play tennis, take photos, do some volunteer work and still there is time. Time for what I’m not sure. It is hard to move beyond the feeling that I must be busy and productive. I wonder why?

Moving from the bustle and busyness of city living to the laid back lifestyle of a coastal town has been so life giving, so freeing and so enjoyable. Of course living where we do now, surrounded by natural beauty, sky and sea, is a big part of that. Along with this though, is an uncomfortable feeling that somehow I’m not measuring up; no career, no ‘important’ busyness, no four children to fill the spaces. When I strip away all those things what am I left with and what do I do with ‘my time’. I don’t know and I’m not sure. Somehow the questions and reflection are important, it is a challenge to stay with the uncomfortableness of this. It is so tempting to fill an uncomfortable space, fill it with anything so that it is full. Fullness of this kind does not interest me, grappling with questions about meaning and worth do.

Time is something I have in abundance at the moment; it is not likely to always be so. The gift of Time will teach me something if I have ears to hear and eyes to see…