Wednesday, 4 June 2014

a moment of panic


Every now and then I feel sick in my stomache and tense in my body. My mind says ‘what are you doing, you’re crazy, it won’t work, it’ll all go pear shaped” Change is like that, exhilarating – exciting and scary. Planning a very different 2015 is giving rise to moments of panic, questions and doubts. What if we stuff up Johanna’s education, how can we be thinking of doing this in year 12, what if she changes her mind and wants to go to Uni in a couple of years and can’t? What if she becomes alienated from ‘normal’ life or has no friends? What will it be like to not have a ‘home’ to constantly move from one place to another? What will I ‘do’ with my time and in my life if I’m always on the move? How will Johanna and I cope spending so much time together and how will my mother cope with us invading her home so often? I don’t know, I don’t know and I don’t know.
But not knowing is part of every change and every adventure. I do know (from experience) that there will be good days and bad days and absolutely magnificent days. I do know we’ll be challenged and changed. I do know that we are committed to each other and that above all else our relationships are paramount.
In my moments of uncertainty I remind myself of other times when we have done ‘crazy stuff’ and how we have never regretted following our hearts, how one crazy thing leads to another, how stepping outside the status quo opens up a whole new world, how we are changed by our experiences and how we are committed to continually ask ourselves ‘Why not?”
And in the midst of it all I take small steps of faith, speaking with Johanna’s school, making enquiries and organising Distance Education, looking at 2 bedroom apartments at City Point, figuring out the details of how to make it all work next year…

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